The first time I heard Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” was when I was in college. There’s a line “But in your life you’ll do greater things than dating the boy on the football team. I didn’t know it at fifteen.” I didn’t know it at fifteen either. Or 20 for that matter. For much of my life I was preoccupied with “fitting in”, and worrying excessively about what people thought.

            In the past, I didn’t think what I had to say was “good enough” so I looked to my peers, and copied what they said. “When all you wanted was to be wanted. I wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now” is another lyric from “Fifteen”.

            If I could go back and tell myself something at 15, it would be: you have something to say. I didn’t know how to talk to people; I wanted to make friends “quickly”, but it was difficult for me.

            In college, my social skills improved, but I was still trying to “fit in”. I felt certain things were “ok” to talk about: Friday night plans, what happened during Friday night plans, shopping, my current crush, why I couldn’t get my current crush, MTV reality shows, celebrities...

There were many students who talked about other things: hiking through Mohonk Mountain, getting internships, embracing acceptance, current events, sports, interesting class discussions, fun concerts, great movies, Saturday morning plans…  

Sometimes I had fun talking about Friday night plans, but there were many times when I didn’t feel comfortable. When people were discussing how much fun they had at parties, I would join in, but in the back of my head I would be thinking I really didn’t have fun. He ignored me, and so did she. I wonder why.

I had a whole bunch of theories about why he or she ignored me at parties, and the more I expounded upon my theories, the more anxious I felt. To this day, I don’t know what people think. I can’t read minds. I’ve learned a great way to overcome social anxiety is to realize: we will never know what anyone is thinking. There’s no point in worrying about what another person is thinking if we’ll never know.  

You ever think someone was upset with you, and it turns out they were just having a bad day? I’ve found the more I seek reassurance, validation, that the person isn’t upset with me, the more insecure I become. It took years for me to become socially confident. A good way to feel relaxed during social interactions is through thinking positive affirmations. I have my own affirmation I use whenever I talk with people (pulled from a Louise Hay video on Youtube.) It’s about finding an affirmation that you feel comfortable with.  

For much of my life, I didn’t think what I had to say was “good enough”. That was my own belief, and it manifested into poor social interactions.  I’ve discovered the more I sought validation to affirm self-worth, the less confident I felt. Realizing self-worth helped build my social confidence. I realized self-worth not by my achievements, but by accepting myself for who I am. I chose to believe I’m good enough. Self-worth simply has to be realized, instead of “earned”. If I based my self-worth on my achievements, I will always be competitive and insecure. It took a while for me to get rid of my negative self-beliefs; remembering myself as a teenager: I know if I can become confident, then so can anyone. 

I used to feel so nervous when I met people, especially people who I thought I should impress. It helps when we see everyone as equals. I’ve found when I show genuine interest in the other person, the conversation flows naturally, and we have more to discuss. Asking questions is a good way to continue conversations when it seems like you have “nothing in common” with the other person. If they smile when they discuss their favorite sports team, ask them about it without putting their team down. It’s always important to be genuine. In college, I would purposefully root for the Red Sox during a Yankees game just to be different. Only thing was, I was a Yankees fan so it came across as fake.

            In college, there were many times when I would think did I really say that? Now it’s become: yes, I said it. Life moves on. People aren’t going to talk about that “social mistake you made” for the rest of their lives. They’re preoccupied with their own lives. And I bet everyone’s been through something similar at least once in their lives. There’s a reason why James Bond is a fictional character. He reminds me of Batman, in a sense. I think I would get along better with Spider Man or Superman.

            We all have important things to say; we just have to realize it. Social interactions are successful when we’re relaxed, when we know what we have to say is important. And yes, everyone has something of value to add to a conversation.

            Being happy is about enjoying the friendships you have. It’s not a numbers game. It’s important not to base our self worth on the amount of friends we have. It took years for me to realize that. I’ve made more friends when I stopped “trying”, and simply acted like myself. So far, all of the success-building books I’ve read (first one was “Girltalk: All the Stuff Your Sister Never Told You”) have emphasized the importance of staying true to yourself.

“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You”- Dr. Suess (author of one of the first books I ever read.)  

“Stay true to you, and you will end up incredibly happy”- QuotesGram

            Some people are born with higher levels of confidence. I started out very sensitive to criticism. My early environment didn’t help, and I spent much of my life having very low self esteem. My book (link below) details my journey from severely depressed to consistently happy. I know if I can find happiness, then so can anyone.

Book Link