During my first years of college, I was subconsciously angry. I didn’t regularly lash out at people, but I was sullen and moody. I’m sure people noticed. I was angry because I remembered what happened to me in high school. All the names people called me. All the things my mother said to me over the years. (Yanna, you're lazy and stupid.  You can't handle anything. You’re useless.)

My stomach was in pretzels; I felt rage course through my body. It was very unpleasant. During my last year of college, I re-read “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay (Please read the book; it’s AMAZING). She claimed the way to happiness is to forgive your tormentors, and to love and accept yourself. 

It was my second time reading it. The first time I read it, the words didn’t sink. I wasn’t ready to forgive my tormentors or love myself. The second time around, I decided I was going to make changes; I was going to learn how to forgive.

I found the easiest way to forgive people is to (initially) not think of them. I held a lot of resentment toward my mother back in the day. It would be too difficult for me to release my anger by thinking “My mom is the most amazing mother in the Universe”. So I stopped thinking of my mother. No good thoughts or bad thoughts; I just stopped thinking of her. It was easier that way. My mood improved as a result. During my senior year of college my mother and I shared a simple phone call. She wanted to make sure I had enough money on my ATM card. I thanked her, and was reminded of the shampoo she sent last month.

My mother cares about me. She shows her love through her actions such as cooking and cleaning, and making sure I had enough shampoo (in college!). Her words may be harsh, but I know she has my best interests at heart. I know she never meant to hurt me.

After I forgave my mother, it was like a gigantic anvil off my chest. I began to enjoy myself. In the past, anger kept me from enjoying life. 

When I forgive my tormentors, I’m free. I no longer feel fire in my veins, or knots in my stomach. I begin to see things from a different point of view.

I remembered the time Grandma made my mother cry in 2009. She yelled at my mother using very demeaning language. I saw my mother cower underneath her mother. Now I understood why she treated me the way she did. It was a pattern she learned from Grandma. Granted, no child deserves to be called “useless” by her own mother, but it helped explain why she said those things.

After I forgave my mother, I was able to see the good in her. The meals she cooked, the sheets she washed, the concern in her voice when I didn’t pick up my phone. I told my mother I wrote about her in my memoir. She said it was okay, and that she was proud I had written a book. 

My mom and I get along MUCH better now. A few nights ago we watched the Olympics together; she made some funny comments, and I laughed with her. Her eyes light up when she laughs.

Forgiving my mother and my former tormentors helped me become happy. It didn’t happen overnight, but the first step for me was re-reading “You Can Heal Your Life”.

I recommend reading (and re-reading) “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.  Truly an inspiring, magnificent, helpful book!

My memoir Fall and Rise: My Journey to Happiness is now available on Kindle (link below) as well as paperback. People see me smiling, but there’s always a story behind a smile. :) 

Kindle Book Link

Paperback Book Link