In high school I wanted to be Cady
Heron at the end of the movie- where she somehow manages to be accepted by
multiple cliques. I never was a fan of Regina George, but I wanted to hang with
her in high school. As a teen, “Mean Girls” was one of my favorite movies. I
wanted to be accepted by everyone, to be popular. And yet, in high school, I
doubted Janice Ian would have hung out with me :) I was an outcast. I can write about
it now because it’s no longer traumatic for me; I’ve learned to forgive and let
go. It took years to get to this point. Every time I have a conversation with a
friend, I feel blessed. I didn’t have that in high school.
In high school, I felt like I was
riding an eternal roller coaster- I was scared, and didn’t know if it was going
to end. No one deserves to go through what I went through in school. The good
news is: I got through it. I came close to giving up in high school, and I’m
thankful I didn’t. I’m grateful I kept going.
I liked one specific type of guy in
high school- the jocks. I guess, in today’s terms, the equivalent of Austin
Mahone. In high school, I was beyond intimidated by them. But life kept going,
and things got better. A couple months ago, we tabled at a United Way event in a
Westchester high school. We were in the school gym for a career fair. My
supervisor instructed me to hand out pamphlets to strolling high schoolers. I
was glad to help out. A student in a basketball jersey approached our table; I
smiled at him, and handed him a pamphlet “Here take one” I said.
He took it, and I explained to him
how interning at United Way could help him build his college resume. He gave us
his email on the contact sheet. We had many students sign up that day. My
supervisor and I were a great team :)
Don’t give up. There’s so many
stories of people who have succeeded. I know humans, in general, have inner
strength. I remember myself in high school: not having social skills or
confidence, living with tsunami levels of anxiety, wishing I was anyone (but
myself), crying inwardly, but not letting it show… If I can find happiness,
then so can anyone.
After high school, college was a little better. I still
struggled with insecurity, but I finally had friends to hang out with! I
finally knew what it felt like to “fit in”, though I wasn’t one of the people who
“everyone knew”. In college I wanted to prove to everyone I was social so I
posted numerous pictures of bar-hopping adventures. One of my first Facebook
statuses was: had a great night bar-hopping and blunt passing. I felt
super-awkward at bars, but I kept posting. I needed to prove to everyone I was
fun, and social.
Now I don’t feel the need to prove myself anymore. I do
things because I want to, not to seek approval from others. My life is SO much
easier when I stop trying to seek everyone’s approval. If I felt like I had to “prove
everyone wrong” I would be agitated, competitive, and resentful. Life became
easy when I stopped competing. I’ve learned to love and accept myself just the
way I am; I’ve stopped demanding perfection from myself.
Motivation/drive and competition don’t have to coexist. When
I don’t compete, work becomes easier. I no longer feel compelled to be “better”
than anyone; it’s a huge weight off of my shoulders. Productivity is fun when I
stop competing.
I read a story of a man who worked for Disney as an animation
artist. He loved his job sketching Mickeys and Minnies. He loved it so much he
refused to leave work when the company let him go at age 65. His wife, who also
worked at Disney, would “sneak” him into his office, where he spent hours working
without pay. People assumed he was still part of the company. He loved his job
so much he worked for free! He wasn’t doing it so he could rise as CEO of
Disney (he’s now 81); he was simply doing it because he loved his job. Drive
and competition don’t have to coexist.
Don’t give up. Find a job or hobby
you’re passionate about. It could be making ice cream sundaes or observing
animals in nature (with GoPro). Or teaching high school math. Find something to
look forward to every day when you go to work (even if it’s lunch break). Relax
and give yourself credit for your work. Life doesn’t have to be hard :)
My book Fall and Rise: My Journey to
Happiness (links below) details my journey from severely depressed to
consistently happy. I wrote my life story to give people hope; I’m grateful I
didn’t give up.
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